Hi lovely people! Today, I’m going to be continuing the series, 9 things to consider when choosing a spouse.
When you are making a decision on a spouse, you must realize it is a critical ‘forever’ decision.
No matter how crazily in love you are, take a pause and look. The ‘in love’ feeling is not a true indication of a successful marriage. Your heart can lie to you. “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds (Jeremiah 17:9,10).”
Although feelings are important, you must consider also consider these things: His/her relationship with Jesus, the Peace in your heart, Attraction, Your relationship with each other, His/her relationship with others, Emotions, Words, Character and Background/culture.
The word and the wisdom of God help us to see beyond what our eyes and our feelings can see or perceive.
By comparing a person’s actions with the word of God, we are able to know the true ‘spirit’ of a person. “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world (1 John 4:1).”
Today I’ll be going deeper into these five points: Your relationship with each other, His/her relationship with others, Emotions, Words, and Character.
To read about the first three points (His/her relationship with Jesus, the Peace in your heart, Attraction), please read part 1 HERE.
Before I go on, I’m going to repeat what I said in 9 things to consider when choosing a spouse (Part 1). DON’T GO LOOKING FOR THESE QUALITIES IN ANOTHER PERSON WHEN YOU ARE DEVOID OF THEM YOURSELF! That’s being hypocritical! Work on building yourself first before you begin to look for these traits in another person! That’s one benefit of being single: you have time to work on becoming a better version of ‘YOU’! “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye (Luke 6:42).”
There is an overlap between these 5 factors because they are a reflection of a person’s heart which in turn stems from the relationship he/she has with God. The way you relate with others, your character, your words and your emotions reveal the strength of your relationship with Christ.
“For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, and foolishness (Matthew 7:21,22).”
Your relationship with each other
Unless your marriage is an arranged one and you don’t have a say in the choice of the spouse, it’s important that you get married to someone who is your friend. Someone who will stay with you through thick and thin. After all, those are the vows we take on our wedding day. “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24 KJV).”You need a spouse who will stick with you closer than a brother would. Click To Tweet
– How helpful is he/she?
– Does he/she sincerely listen to you?
– Does your intended spouse show genuine interest in you and the things that interest you?
“Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others (Philippians 2:4).”
– Does he/she love you unconditionally?
The Bible commands that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. Does your future husband show that he loves you in spite of your mistakes or shortcomings? “Hatred stirs up strife, But love covers all transgressions. (Proverbs 10:12).”
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).”
– How honest and open are you with each other?
Does he/she tell lies? Does your intended spouse easily react negatively when you tell them something sensitive in nature? Does he/she keep secrets from you? Marriage is a relationship which thrives on openness and acceptance.
“And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25).”
“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil (Proverbs 31:11).
“Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices (Colossians 3:9).”
How well do you communicate with each other? Do you take time to listen to what your spouse is saying? “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger (James 1:19).”
– Do you guys laugh together?
A home without laughter is a really boring one. I always love the times that my hubby and I just laugh and chat.
“A joyful heart makes a cheerful face, But when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken. All the days of the afflicted are bad, But a cheerful heart has a continual feast (Proverbs 15:13,15).”
“A joyful heart is good medicine, But a broken spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22).”
– Does your intended spouse make compromises?
People always say that the wives should submit but forget that in the earlier part of that passage, we are instructed to submit to one another. In addition, husbands are instructed to love themselves as Christ loved the church. A cardinal sign of love is selflessness. You don’t want to be with someone who is domineering and always wants their own way. “Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:21-25).”
-Is he/she envious of your success?
Don’t marry a husband that is envious of your success and is unhappy to see you prosper in your endeavors. Or someone that thinks that you are better than him.
– Is he/she kind to you? Is he/she quarrelsome?
I don’t advise that you get married to someone who is always picking a fight or is unteachable. “The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged (2 Timothy 2:24).”
– Is he/she afraid of commitment?
Have you been dating for a long time and there is no sign that the relationship is heading anywhere? What are you afraid of? If he/she is not willing to commit, try to speak with the person and pray about it. Or get some people to counsel the person. If he is still afraid, it is time to move on. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love (1 John 4;18).”
– Does the relationship make you a better person or break you down?
“Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing (1 Thessalonians 5:11).”
– Trust or Mistrust. Is your intended spouse unnecessarily jealous and insecure about the activities of your spouse?
Try to be more open and assure him/her of your faithfulness (I’m hoping you are being faithful though! 🙂 )
His/her relationship with others
– What type of relationship does he have with his family, friends, colleagues, strangers, the poor and even your family?
– Is he/she kind and understanding to others? Is he compassionate and sympathetic to others? Is she empathetic?
If the answer is no, he/she might be acting nice to you and do a switch after married.
“She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue (Proverbs 31:26).”
“The righteous is concerned for the rights of the poor, The wicked does not understand such concern (Proverbs 29:7).”
– Does she have a healthy relationship with her parents? Is he/she a mama or papa’s boy or girl?
Your spouse must have the ability to leave and cleave. You don’t want to get married to someone who considers his/her parents’ opinions higher than yours.
On the other hand, you also don’t want someone who disrespects his/her parents. It probably means that he will not respect elderly figures and probably not your parents either. In addition, you are setting yourself up for curses.
“He who curses his father or his mother, His lamp will go out in time of darkness (Proverbs 20:20).”
“The eye that mocks a father And scorns a mother, The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it (Proverbs 30:17).”
– What kind of friends or mentors does he/she have? Does he/she have friends or mentors that can correct them if they are going on a wrong path?
If he/she has nobody that he can take correction from, that is a negative sign. If your intended spouse has ‘shady’ friends who can easily influence them, it might be necessary to question that friendship. “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).”
– Is she ready to just jump into a fight with anyone but she’s so nice to you?
Run away from a contentious man or woman! She might be acting nice but it’s very likely that she will change after the wedding. “It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman (Proverbs 25:24).”
– Is he/she easily angered or violent? Does he/she physically or emotionally abuse you?
Take your legs and run as fast as you can. Don’t get married to that kind of person. It’s only just the beginning of a lifetime of abuse. “Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself (Proverbs 22:24).”
– Is he/she a gossip and always stirring up division?
“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends (Proverbs 16:28).”
– Is he/she vulgar?
– Is he/she always sugar-coating or lying about something?
“Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal faithfully are His delight (Proverbs 12:22).”
1. Generous. You don’t want someone who is greedy.
“He that is greedy of gain troubleth his own house; but he that hateth gifts shall live (Proverbs 15:27).”
3. Loyal or disloyal
“Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, But who can find a trustworthy man? (Proverbs 20:6).”
4. Intelligent discussions rather than a person who loves to gossip. Is he/she a bearer of false gist or gossip?
“A false witness will not go unpunished, And he who tells lies will not escape (Proverbs 19:5).”
5. Brains over brawn/beauty.
“As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout So is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion (Proverbs 11:22).”
6. Fear of God.
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised (Proverbs 31:30).”
7. Has a chronic history of sexual immorality even after he/she claims to be born again.
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:4).”
“Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. (Ephesians 5:3 NLT).”
8. Self- control
9. Confident in the person that God created him/her to be.
If your intended spouse doesn’t know how to be sorry for something he/she has done wrong, it’s a sign of pride. Pride is a killer of marriages. “Be of the same mind toward one another; do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation (Romans 12:16).”
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves (Philippians 2:3).”
12. Not envious of other’s success.
“A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones (Proverbs 14:30 NLT).”
13. Being content and having no selfish ambition
“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing (James 3:16).”
14. Not a lover of money or overly competitive.
“For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs (1 Timothy 6:10).”
15. Good with kids
16. Adaptability and resiliency.
Paul said this, “I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need (Philippians 4:12).”
17. Intelligent and wise
“He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm (Proverbs 13:20).”
18. Doesn’t drink alcohol excessively
“It is not for kings, O Lemuel, It is not for kings to drink wine, Or for rulers to desire strong drink (Proverbs 31:4).”
19. Doesn’t have other addictive behaviours
20. Has a vision for his/her life.
“Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he (Proverbs 29:18).”
21. Exhibits obvious integrity.
“He who walks in integrity walks securely, But he who perverts his ways will be found out (Proverbs 10:9).”
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This is a trustworthy saying, worthy of full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst. (1 Timothy 1:15 NLT)
**All scripture in this post is taken from the New American Standard Bible (except where stated).**
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This is such an insightful post . I am a single mom and feel a lot of pressure to marry the father of my child although he is not a believer.This post put things in perspective for me.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post. Please don’t give into the pressure until you are sure it’s in line with God’s will for you.
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